My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
