Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
