my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
