why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
