She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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