Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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