there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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