i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
