If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
