dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
