why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The struggles of a small town man whore
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize