Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
