barbara walters just said penis...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
