Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
