i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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