I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
