last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
