listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
