4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
