Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
