We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
