I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
