I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
