When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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