I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
