Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
