I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
