living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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