I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
