you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
