my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My dick has a subreddit
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
