your parents love me but you hate me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
NoShamevember. You game?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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