The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
