i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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