this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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