I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
