I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize