i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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