I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
