Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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