WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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