It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
