I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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