Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
