Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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