She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
