and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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