i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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