Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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