and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
