I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
