How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
