Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
