One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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