He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think i got beer on your cat.
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