Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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